Anger

This photo was taken yesterday at the end of our day with Paul and Nathan. As you can see, Nathan is not keen on having his photo taken!

Afterwards, Claire took them home and had a worrying conversation with their mum. It seems that Paul has been in trouble at school recently. After Hugh's death, he obviously went through a tough time but the staff at his school were made aware of what had happened and he got support in the form of counselling, although he didn't take to his counsellor. Since he moved up to his new class in September, it seems that his new teacher was unaware of his history and his anger has been getting him into trouble. His mother and the school have since worked together and he now has a mentor and can have time out to diffuse the situation when things get fraught. 

Paul knows only that his dad was ill and died. Whether he will ever know the details is a debate for the future, but  it is clear that Hugh's death is casting long shadows. 

At present, my anger is directed at the school. Moving Paul up to a new class, without making the new teacher aware of his situation is inexcusable - and that's my polite description!

In the genes

Working on my family tree, as I have been over the last few months, I have found myself focusing on my paternal great grandfather's family. Charles (Frederick or Ernest- take your pick) Perkins, who joined the army as soon as he could and, once there, proceeded to find himself in constant trouble for drink-related issues. Eventually, the penny dropped that maybe he wasn't acting in his best interests and could do with calming down a bit and toeing the line, which he did and emerged twenty one years later at sergeant rank.

Ever since I can remember, Hugh wanted to join the army. He could have had a place in Wellbeck College, the army's sixth form college, and gone from there to Sandhurst, but he decided against that. He was very intelligent and well read but had had enough of school, which was, perhaps, somewhat short-sighted as he didn't suffer fools gladly and sometimes found himself in frustrating situations where, as an officer, he could have had more influence.
I somehow think that Charles and Hugh would have got on pretty well.

Seeing Paul

Eight years old now, getting taller every time we see him and already developing the same dry sense of humour as Hugh. 

Birthday

Today would be Hugh's thirty second birthday. Paddy and I went for a long walk to think and to remember.

Second anniversary

People say you need two years to 'get over' the death of someone close to you. Today is the second anniversary of Hugh's death, or maybe it's tomorrow. As he died in the night, we don't really know for sure but two years ago today, he was certainly suffering and events were building up to that dreadful night. 

This is the time when all the what ifs, maybes, coulds and shoulds come back to the fore, with no more satisfactory answers now as there were two years ago. 

Flowers have been sent by people who care and I know their intentions are good but I want to shout, "I don't want flowers, I want Hugh not to be dead!"

I want to feel comforted that at least he has escaped his problems but the reality is that I wish he had stayed to face them, so that he would still be here with us. 

And no, two years is not enough. It takes a lifetime and then some.