Sunday, 15 August 2010

This is the week

Someone told me recently that the anticipation of the anniversary is worse than the day itself when it arrives. This may be true; I won't know until Thursday which will be the first anniversary of Hugh's death but these days leading up to it certainly bring their own difficulty. I often tell my clients about the recognised stages of grief and explain that we don't tend to experience them in a neat order, rather we 'take the scenic route' and move back and forth between them and so recently, I have been a times consumed with guilt as I think back to August 19th last year.
The guilt is for not being there for him when it mattered, for not realising how much he was suffering, for not being able to make things right as I could have done when he was a small child. It makes no difference that I know I couldn't know what was going on in his mind and that, in the end, he didn't allow anyone to help him on that final night.
I guess what really hurts is that he didn't turn to me when it really mattered.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

He didn't turn to anyone when it really mattered, and this was nothing to do with his childhood. He was sick, and chose to deal with it on his own, whether you agree with that decision or not. And unfortunately like many illnesses, it didn't work out for the best...

Don't blame yourself.

Rosie said...

I am sure he wouldn't have been thinking rationally that night if he had then maybe he would have turned to you. Over the last year I have many stories of soldiers who have struggled in civilian life with similar outcomes and it makes me angry there isn't more help for them. x

WendyCarole said...

thinking of you this week xxx

Yorkshire Pudding said...

365 days. It's just a number. I see what you mean about grief being like a winding scenic journey. I simply cannot imagine how I would feel if one of our children took their own life. Thinking of you this week - especially Thursday.
Fond regards,
Mr Pudding

Jennyta said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. :)